After the Baby Arrives

By Kimberly LeBaron

I have eight wonderful children. With the arrival of each one though, changes in the family dynamics occurred. You can’t introduce a new person into your household without experiencing change, which also means learning to adapt. Sometimes, the adjustment is easier than others, but there is always some stress when a new member of the family arrives. Over the years, I have learned there are things we can do to help our older children make that adjustment when we bring home the new baby.

Responsibility:

            Young children love to be given a sense of responsibility. I found that if I let the older siblings fetch diapers, burp rags, wet wipes, etc., it helped with the adjustment. When I would change the baby or give him a bath, I would let the older sibling hold things for me and hand me items as I needed them. Being given a responsibility helped the older children feel included and needed.

            Sometimes I would let the older kids “babysit” the baby. How this worked depended on the age of the older sibling. I have an adorable picture of one of my sons sitting next to his younger sister in her car seat. He is holding her hand and showing her a book. I remember those days when I would ask the older sibling to sit and talk to the baby while I fixed lunch. Sometimes I would have the older child sit on the couch with his arm resting against the armrest of the sofa so that he could support the weight of the baby. The older sibling would hold the baby while I would rush to do a quick chore. I feel that these babysitting events were beneficial for everyone. I got something accomplished, and the two siblings had a chance to bond.

            Recently I had the opportunity to work in the nursery of my church. There are two sisters in the class. One is three and the other one is 18 months. The older girl refers to her younger sister as “my baby.” It is adorable. Even sweeter is watching how protective and helpful she is with her little sister. Clearly her parents involved her the day they brought the baby home.

Discussion:

            Sometimes older siblings might feel jealous of the new baby. After all, the new baby is likely getting a lot of time and attention from parents, aunts, uncles, and neighbors. Ask the older kids if they are okay. Ask them if they are getting enough attention. Kids can be remarkably honest about this.

            Also remember that discussions don’t have to center around how the older sibling is feeling about the new baby. It’s important to just listen while kids talk. You can let older siblings tell you about their day or about a television show or about the game they made up with their blocks. Listening is something you can do while folding laundry, washing dishes, or even feeding the baby.

Time:

            Even if your older children express that they do not feel jealous or neglected, it’s still good to carve out a little extra time for them. Try to make it one-on-one, baby-free time. This is hard with a new infant, but it can do wonders for your relationship with your older children. Ultimately, it will also help the relationship between the older sibling and the baby because the older child is less likely to harbor resentment against the baby if he feels like he is getting attention also. This time can be as simple as eating lunch together, running errands and stopping for an ice cream, or just cuddling and reading a short story together.

Gifts:

            Perhaps one of the most difficult things for children to understand is why people are bringing a bunch presents over for the new baby. Many children feel left out and a little jealous when they don’t receive a present also. It might help to let them unwrap the present, but personally, I think it sends a mixed message. The child might think the gift is actually for him. After all, he opened it. Further, these presents are rarely exciting for toddler. It’s just not fun to open a present only to discover a package of socks, an outfit for the baby, or hooded towel. I found that it helped if I bought a few inexpensive presents and wrapped them so that the older child could have something too. (On a similar note, if you are taking a gift to someone for a new baby, consider grabbing a small toy or book for the older sibling as well.)

Love:

            Above all else, make sure older children know they are loved and wanted. It’s easy to get so busy that we forget to give older kids hugs and kisses and cuddles, especially when the older kid doesn’t seem to need them (or want them.) However, in my experience, children always need to be shown love, both physically and verbally. They may wipe off your kisses and say, “ugh” when you say, “I love you,” but the message has still been delivered and received. Your children will always remember that you loved them.

Conclusion:

            Of course, there are dozens of other things parents can do to help with the adjustment of a new baby. These are just a few of the things that I did that worked for me. The important thing is to remember that your older children are going through an adjustment period also. Be in tune with their feelings and emotions. The arrival of a new baby, while challenging, does not have to be completely stressful. It can be a fun, happy, and exciting time for everyone in the family. That’s how it should be. Our own excitement and happiness will carry over to our children, so as you help them with this adjustment period, remember to keep a smile on your face. It will make all the difference in the world.