Taming the Tantrum

By Kimberly Hicken

            I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was walking through the store with my two little boys, ages 4 and 2. I made the mistake of going down the candy aisle. My oldest grabbed a candy bar off the shelf and asked if he could have it. Of course, I told him no. I explained that it wasn’t good for him, that he hadn’t had lunch yet, and it would rot his teeth. For some reason, he didn’t appreciate my concern for his health. Instead of calmly taking no for an answer, he started crying and asking me over and over again why he couldn’t have the candy bar.

            I tried explaining again, but the more I explained, the louder he cried. I suddenly realized that I was yelling almost as loud as he was crying. Embarrassed, I took the candy away from him. That created a whole new battle! You’d have thought I removed his entire skeletal system. He fell to the floor, crying and sobbing even louder.

            I glanced around me. I saw people starting to turn into the candy aisle with their carts, and then back out and hurry away. I don’t know if they were embarrassed to be walking in on a family crisis or were worried that my son might start throwing things.

            I bent down and picked up my son and tried to put him in the shopping cart. It’s amazing how difficult it is to maneuver a 4-year-old who is kicking and screaming into a shopping cart that’s already partially filled with groceries. It would have been easier to push a wildcat into a small box.

            His screams intensified in velocity. By now, his younger brother was crying too. My youngest didn’t even know what the issue was, but he figured that if his older brother was crying, something was amiss in the world.

I could feel my cheeks burning with embarrassment. I set my son back down on the floor and did what any harried mom would do with a hysterical child. I gave him the candy bar! Then to make sure my youngest didn’t have a similar tantrum, I handed him one too.

Peace was restored. The silence was heavenly. I’d like to say that I finished my shopping, but I didn’t. I just hurried out of the store with the groceries I’d already gathered. I knew I shouldn’t have given into the tantrum, but I didn’t know any other way to deal with the problem. Unfortunately for me, giving in was counterproductive. The next time we were at the store, a similar scene unfolded. In fact, it became a common occurrence for a temper tantrum to ensue unless I said yes immediately. I needed help, and I knew it.

Help came in the form of a sweet neighbor who had already raised her children and was starting on grandchildren. One day in casual conversation, I mentioned how my son was always throwing tantrums in the grocery store. She listened with an understanding look on her face and then said, “I used to have the same problem with my oldest. Do you want to know what I ended up doing?”

Of course, I did. Her advice was not what I expected. No punishments, no threats, and no bribes, but it made a lot of sense. I vowed to try it the next time I went to the store. In fact, I was so excited to try it, I went to the store the very next day, even though I really didn’t need anything.

When we arrived at the store, I turned around and looked my son in the eye and said, “We are here to buy groceries. We are not here to buy candy. Do not ask me to buy you candy because the answer will be no, and I don’t have time to deal with one of your tantrums.”

I didn’t elaborate, and I didn’t wait for an answer. Step One of my neighbor’s plan was to make sure my son knew what my expectations were. I couldn’t wait for Step Two. 

As I picked out bread for sandwiches, my son noticed some individually wrapped cakes. He picked one up and said, “Can you buy this for me?”

“Nope, not today,” I said, plucking the cake out of his hand and setting back on the shelf.

I watched as his face twisted into an ugly frown. “But I WANT it!” he screamed. He stamped his foot and started crying even louder.

I looked at him and said, “Sorry, not today. I don’t have time for this. When you’re done with your tantrum, come and find me.”

Then I did something that was impossibly hard. I turned my back on him and walked away without looking back. I pushed the cart holding his younger brother around the corner of the aisle. I stopped and peeked around the corner. I wasn’t really going to just leave him. I didn’t want anyone to kidnap him.

I watched as he continued to kick and scream for about fifteen more seconds. Suddenly, he stopped crying, sat up, and looked around. “Mom?” he said hesitantly. I made sure that he couldn’t see me. “Mom?” he said again a little louder. I resisted the urge to answer. Then, “Mommy!” he wailed. He jumped up and ran down the aisle toward me. I quickly stepped back around the corner before he noticed me. I pretended that I was trying to choose a bottle of ketchup.

He rushed around the corner and saw me. He threw his arms around my legs in relief.

“Oh, there you are!” I smiled down at him. “Are you finished with your temper tantrum?” He nodded his head affirmatively. “Good,” I said. “Let’s finish getting our groceries.”

He only threw one more tantrum. I responded the same way. After that, he was done. Each of his younger siblings threw exactly one tantrum in the grocery store. When I walked away instead of giving them an audience, it quelled the tantrums.

However, I did reward them for good behavior. Every now and then, when we’d go on a shopping excursion, as we were finishing up, I would say, “You have been so helpful today. Let’s go pick out a treat/toy/surprise,” or whatever I had decided I wanted to get them. They never knew when they would be rewarded for good behavior, but when the reward came, it was greeted with excitement and joy. I’m not saying that my neighbor’s tip made every shopping trip an easy one because it didn’t. What it did for me though was help me tame the tantrums in the grocery store.