Four ways to leave work at work–and maximize time with your family.
By Virdiana Word
I am pretty certain that “frazzled” is now my permanent look. In college, I thought my life was tough because I had to balance a job and my schoolwork, plus extra-curricular activities and a social life, of course. Then I added a kid, my oldest son, to the mix. I metaphorically almost died, but whatever—I graduated, and went on to graduate school. Then in the midst of my Masters and teaching credential program, I added one more. I powered up and got through semi-unscraped. Everything (except for my under eye circles) was peachy, and I was able to establish a teaching career at a school that I love. Then my husband and I lost our marbles and added yet another son to our already chaotic schedule. Our sons are amazing, but we are outnumbered. So now, we have a walking teenage hormone, a tyrant toddler and a very yappy, outdoorsy (read: hanging from trees) 7-year-old. Yeah, I think “frazzled” might actually be my glam look.
What this experience has taught me through a gauntlet of trial and error is that without a balance, I will run myself into the ground. I actually did several times, all because I felt I had to prove some ridiculous notion that I had it all under control. So what is a tired mama to do? I turned to my fellow working moms—both my own mom and some awesome women I work with—for advice on how to do more than just juggle work and home. Here are the ones that worked best for me:
Set clear boundaries at work. As working parents, it is easy to get sucked in to the notion of having to prove ourselves to be as productive or flexible as our childless counterparts, perhaps in an effort to prove that we can, indeed, “do it all.” However, that is not only unrealistic but it is also a very toxic expectation, especially for mothers. If you are anything like me and have a career that you love, it is even easier to submerge ourselves in our work—which a lot of us worked so hard to achieve—and work extra long hours to prove we are valuable. The resulting scenario is that either we are too tired to actively interact with our children when we get home, or we get there with little to no time to spend with our families. We can be tired, with a laundry list of things to accomplish and in turn be irritable and sluggish. The amount of time we spend at home with our loved ones is, needless to say, lacking in quality.
I have been there many times.
At the beginning of my teaching career, I spent countless hours after school in the classroom preparing lessons, grading, cleaning up, working on displays, etc. What’s worse, I also had the nasty habit of bringing my laptop with me and trying to open it while at home. Before I knew it, it was 6 or 7 p.m. and I got home with about an hour to spare to share with my sons, who matched my tiredness and cranky mood.
So, in an effort to stop this practice and find a more efficient balance, I decided to draw a clear line. I set an alarm on my phone and made the commitment to leave home when the alarm went off. I was still spending some time after school to get ready for the next day, but I forced myself to leave everything behind once it was time to go home. Let me tell you, it was incredibly hard at first. I had been so obsessed with wanting to get everything done, I failed to realize that my work is actually never done. There is always something else that comes up, not matter how late I stay. So I learned to prioritize better, and utilize my time more wisely while at work. I minimized the time I spent wandering, wasting time on the internet, or even socializing. I learned to say no when I knew I had too much on my plate, and my supervisors respected that. To-Do lists, planners and productivity methods were my friends. When the alarm went off, I left everything and walked out, only to return the next day refreshed, and ready to do it again.
It was an adjustment, to say the least, but a wise choice. Not only was I home earlier, I also had more energy and more time to be present for my family. No amount of work gives you that type satisfaction.
Demand Equality in Your Relationships. It is astonishing to me how, with the 21st century in full swing, working parents, namely women, still take it upon themselves to adopt gender roles that could easily be divided among the two partners. If it took two people to create a child, then two people need to be equally responsible for his or her care, and that includes the living environment, meals, etc. This is especially true if both partners are financially contributing to the family. Just as importantly, moms tend to carry the weight of caring for doctor appointments, staying home when children are ill, or the obligation of attending school functions scheduled during the workday. Establishing a system in which both parents equally divide this workload is key to maintaining a balance between work and home. It is not a perfect system, nor do the scales tip equally in either direction all the time, but it sets the precedent that this is a shared responsibility.
Consequently, the alternative will only build resentment, and that is another thing that you do not want to spend your energy on. More often than not, all you have to do is (nicely) voice your opinion and ask for support, whether from your partner or your family members.
Note: I understand that this suggestion comes from a place of privilege. Not every working mom out there has a partner or family around to support. In this case, I suggest leaning on fellow working moms. Build a tribe, and support them where and when you can. Know that we stand in solidarity with you and those of us that get it will likely lend a hand when we are able to. Take us up on it, will ya?
Let things go. Because moms don’t face enough guilt already and we must keep adding to the list (sense the sarcasm), many of us feel that if we are somehow absent from our workplace, everything will tumble down and the world will end. Okay, I’m exaggerating a bit, but correct me if I’m wrong: when we are absent from our work, or even when we leave for the day, we still spend some considerable energy thinking about work, people at work, the work day, etc., as if somehow we are able to change anything from where we are at.
It takes some effort to force yourself to let go of work at the end of the day or during a day off, but it is worth it. As every teacher out there knows, it is so much work to be absent—so much preparation, so many details to sort out, copies, rosters, instructions, etc. During an absence, I still struggle with trolling my attendance portal to see who was there, who wasn’t, texting the covering teacher to see how the kids behaved. More often than not, as expected, the world carried on, and I found that I had spent all that energy worrying for nothing instead of actually resting. I have to tell myself over and over what I will tell you now: LET. IT. GO. Trust me, upon your return to work, you will find that things have been running smoothly, and if they haven’t, you at least can come back slightly more refreshed and ready to tackle all the fires that need to be put out.
Put. The Phone. Down. Let’s be real here. The irony of me even telling you this is that you are most likely reading this on a phone, or tablet or laptop. After you’re done with this, you’ll move on to something else. Maybe check your email. Maybe look at someone’s Instagram story or do some Facebook stalking. I hear Snapchat has a man filter. Before you know it, an hour or more has gone by and now two of your kids are grounded from breaking something mid-wrestling match. I can’t be the only one. If I’m not caught up in the time-suck that is social media, I will likely be looking at my emails and obsessing about something work-related.
The only solution I found to this dilemma is to hold off on picking up my phone until I know I have the time to wind down and do some mindless things. Keeping my phone in my purse or on the charger while I interact with my babes has truly maximized the time I get to spend with them, and I do not regret it one bit. Of course, there are instances when this is not possible, like a family situation or anything pressing that requires my attention, but for the most part I choose to unplug in order to give my family the present of being present. My mother always told me that there is a time and place for everything. I now know that she always knew what she was talking about.