Not Just a Working Mother; Breadwinner

By Amber Bennett

In May of 2012 my husband was headed to work. He was frustrated that he was quitting in two days but still had to attend an off-site team meeting and it was going to be a long one. That night he came home beaming, he had no idea that his all-female coworkers were throwing him a surprise baby shower before he transitioned to being a stay-at-home dad (SAHD) for his first born, due in June.

It was a huge transition time in all of our lives.  My oldest was becoming a sister, my husband was staying home, and I was going to bear the weight of all the bills. As a woman who has been a single mother, married with two incomes, and a breadwinner; I feel I know a bit about the financial positions women find themselves in these days.  Although they each bring a variety of stressors on a household, I feel that being breadwinner in a marriage has been the most challenging. 

Balancing household and financial duties

I’ve been lucky in my relationship with my husband. He took his role as SAHD pretty seriously.  He cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, and even has time for his hobbies. Sure, over the past 7 years I’ve had my moments of jealously, especially at the end of my maternity leaves (we had another baby in 2015) when I had to return to work and he got to stay home with the babies, and when my daughters choose him over me for certain things; but we do make a pretty amazing team. 

However, being the breadwinner meant I had to make sure that my income was enough to cover the bills and in the beginning it was barely enough. We had both come to our marriage with a pretty crappy debt-to-income ratio and then we cut out one income.  During tax season I would find myself paying off a card just to have it maxed out again in 3 months – on things like groceries and clothes for the kids. It was tough.

Over the years I was able to continue increasing my income through raises, a job change, and taking on a side hustle (that I really love).  In 2017 my husband and I attended a 9 week Financial Peace University course, not missing a single week. We took the advice, buckled down and really drove home the idea of living debt free and paying cash for everything.

Over the years we’ve switched around who does the grocery shopping and laundry, and such. Sometimes you have to experiment with what works better for your own household.

Raising the kids

Sometimes my husband passes a punishment that I feel doesn’t necessarily fit the crime, sometimes he disagrees with mine.  Sometimes we both make commitments for the kids and one of us needs to backtrack.  Generally speaking though, we’re on the same page.  How do we do it? We talk. I know it’s a new concept, and the first one I bring up to women I hear that are having difficulties with their spouse.

When he passes a punishment, I hold to it. Same goes with me. We’re a team and we play fair with the kids. Even so, they get really spoiled. They still like to come and ask me the same question to see if they’ll get a different answer. I usually ask them if they’ve asked their dad yet. To quote my 3 year old “yeah, and he said no already.” Me: “So why do you think my answer will be different?”

Even when I feel he might be in the wrong or a little harsh, I want the kids to know we’re a united front. Sometimes that requires me (or him) to talk to the girls after emotions have calmed down to really talk it through or hug it, but we still stick to the punishment unless everyone agrees.

A little more on communication

There are a lot of times I am so angry, frustrated or at my wits end about things that I just close off – long enough for me to process my feelings, and then we chat. A fairly recent incident comes to mind. One evening my husband told me he had been chatting with someone and I came up in the conversation. I asked him what the content of that conversation was and he refused to tell me saying that it didn’t matter and he was sure I would keep a secret conversation from him too. I brought it up a couple times over the next day but he held his ground. I was bothered not because something may have been said about me, but that he was keeping a secret. I don’t keep secrets from my best friend. He didn’t understand my concern because he was focused on the content of the conversation that he felt was “no big deal.”

The second morning I was so visibly upset I actually cried. I don’t think he’s ever seen me cry where he’s the source of my tears, but there I was getting ready for work, bawling.  He finally decided maybe he should tell me. He was right, what was said wasn’t a big deal. I re-explained my perspective, it wasn’t about the words; it was the secrecy. Once he truly listened to what I was saying it made sense to him and we’ve been great since.

There are very few incidents like these in our relationship. I can only think of 4 times we’ve ever really argued or got upset with each other and we’ve been together for over 10 years. Keep reading to find out what I feel is the key to keeping it together.

My secret weapon

I have told this to my “mom groups” countless times: thank God for them because I get so much insight! I know many stay at home moms and I listen to the things they complain about their husbands. I always evaluate my life within those contexts. Do I do what her husband does? How can I acknowledge my husband’s efforts more? I wonder, does he feel that way too?

I remember a mom ranting about how her husband is always admired for “babysitting” his children while feeling judged at the same time if her kids aren’t perfect in public. I asked my husband about his adventures while grocery shopping and I was surprised by his answer. In a nutshell, he said yes he gets hit on, asked about babysitting his kids, and admired for his hard work with them. He said at first it annoyed him but now he kind of ignores it. Huh, I never would have known that if I hadn’t read about it in my “mom groups”.

If you haven’t guessed it: my weapon is all the insight I get from other SAHMs. I feel like a spy or an insider with these groups. Yes, I’m a mom, but there’s so much to learn. I take rants and ask my husband his perspective about them. It’s that communication thing again.

The key to my sanity

In many of previous blog posts I have brought up gratitude in different forms. I truly believe this is the key to staying sane.  Sometimes we focus so much on the things that bother us that we lose sight of the bigger picture.  A change in perspective can help one to refocus on what matters most.  The easiest way I have found to re-focus is through gratitude. Remembering all the good things in our lives and sending out thoughts of gratitude for those things can drastically change the way we view a situation. 

Some days I dread pulling into my driveway. It’s like my children have sonic ears and they immediate rush my vehicle from all sides and pound on the glass like apes gone wild until they are allowed in the car. For a woman trying to transition her day from work to mom mode, this isn’t the calmest or easiest of transitions. So what I do is take a deep breath when my house comes into view. Appreciate that my kids still want to even be near me nowadays and am grateful that I have 3 healthy children (even a pre-teen) who want nothing more in the evening that to share with me what happened that day and give me a hug.  What can you be grateful for?

When the bills keep coming and I’m sick of paying them, I’m thankful I have a job that has benefits and covers the things I need. I’m grateful that over the years I’ve been able to negotiate higher wages and prove that I am an asset to my company. I’m grateful for a relatively stress-free work environment. What can you be grateful for?

When my husband is playing another video game, spending another hour on his hobby, or sleeping in; I am grateful I get sleep-in days. I think about how much he as sacrificed to stay home. I’m grateful for the choice I have to work. I’m grateful I made a great choice in a husband. I’m grateful that we’re both willing to learn and grow with each other.