When Parents Separate
By Kimberly LeBaron
When I got a divorce, I still had five children at home. They ranged in age from 6 to 15. It was a tough time for all of us. I remember the night I told my kids that their dad and I were getting a divorce. The three oldest kids accepted the news stoically. They had seen it coming. My two youngest burst into tears and begged me not to divorce their dad. The reasons behind the divorce were not important. What they cared about was that a change was occurring in the family dynamics, and it wasn’t a change they wanted.
I recognized that this would be a difficult time for the entire family, myself included. I wanted to make the transition for my children as smooth and painless as possible…if that’s even possible with a divorce. As I look back on it, I realize that there are some things I did right, some things I did wrong, and some things where good luck was on my side.
Divorce is never easy for anyone. Unfortunately, sometimes couples with children separate and divorce. Here are some of the things I learned that helped make this difficult time a little less traumatic for my children.
Minimize Change:
Divorce is a huge change for everyone in the family. I found that it helped if I minimized other changes as much as possible. I was fortunate because it was my husband who moved out, so I was able to stay in the same house. In this aspect it made it easier for my kids because they were able to keep their same rooms, their same friends, and attend the same school. When we had our spring break, I took the kids to visit their cousins just like we had every year for as long as they could remember. Keeping a sense of normalcy was important.
Sometimes, however, we aren’t lucky enough to be able to remain in the same house. Sometimes the parent has to move with the kids. When this happens, I still think it is important to keep some things the same. This might mean making sure that kids have easy access to favorite blankets, toys, or books. On car trips, play the same music or play the same games that you did when you and your spouse were still together. Fix the same meals. If you have spaghetti once a week, continue to have spaghetti. Whatever traditions you have that can be carried on, try to keep those traditions.
Create New Traditions:
Separation and divorce means a complete change in the family dynamics. While I believe that it’s important to minimize change wherever possible, it is also good to create some new traditions. These don’t necessarily need to be based around a holiday. For example, when I separated from my husband, my children and I started a new evening tradition of watching a favorite television show together and eating popcorn right before bed. There was something calming and comforting about everyone sitting together in the darkened room munching on popcorn. The television show bonded us together. Sometimes we would throw out one-liners from the show in situations where the line fit. We chose to watch a series that was on Netflix. We started with Season One; Episode One of a favorite sitcom. When the entire series was over, we started it over because we enjoyed it so much the first time.
Have Fun:
Separation and divorce is sad for everyone, but that doesn’t mean everyone has to wear black and go into mourning. I tried to plan some fun activities with my kids that would allow us to bond and let them see that our family could still have fun, even without Dad there. Shortly after our separation, it snowed. The fresh snow made me feel more like Christmas than I felt during actual Christmas. I decided to celebrate 2nd Christmas. It was a novel concept for my kids. I went to a dollar store and bought presents for everyone. I got them each a little toy that would be fun. Then I got something for each child that was needed that I planned on getting anyway: socks, a new jacket, body wash. I didn’t spend a lot of money. I took the gifts home and wrapped them up. That night, I told the kids that it was 2nd Christmas Eve and that Santa’s Elves would come if they had been good children. The next morning, there was a small stack of presents on the couch. I didn’t bother with a tree or stockings or anything like that. I didn’t go overboard. It was very simple, relatively inexpensive, and lots of fun.
As we were adjusting to the divorce and to life without dad, I tried to plan lots of fun activities. We put together puzzles, played board games, went on bike rides, and even played children’s party games like Simon Says. It was fun to just relax and play together. It helped us bond and create new memories, which in turn, helped us heal.
Communicate:
We like to protect our kids from pain, but that doesn’t mean keeping them in the dark about what is happening. Let your kids know what is going on, so they can prepare. For example, if their dad is coming to visit on the weekend, give them plenty of time to mentally prepare for that. They might be excited to see their dad, but having him visit means they won’t be staying home playing with familiar toys or hanging out with friends. Give them a head’s up.
Let the kids know if you are having a bad day. One mistake I made was thinking that I should never let my kids see me sad. I learned later that it made the kids think I wasn’t grieving. It also made them feel like I wouldn’t understand their sorrow because I wasn’t showing any sorrow. It’s okay to let your kids know that you’re sad, that you’re human.
Listen:
I found that it was important to let my kids talk to me and express their feelings. Sometimes there were feelings of anger and blame. I didn’t take it to heart. I knew that they were hurting inside. When they expressed these negative feelings toward me, I tried to respond with something simple like: “I know this is hard, but I want you to know that I love you very much, and your dad loves you too.” Other times, it was enough just to listen and let them cry or express their anger. Sometimes, we don’t need to say anything. We just need to listen. We don’t need to try to fix the problem or make them feel better because we can’t do either of those things. However, we can listen.
Be Realistic:
My younger kids wanted me to get back together with their dad. They would ask me if I would date him again or if I would give him another chance. I needed to be realistic with them. I knew it was important that I did not make promises that couldn’t be kept. I was only in charge of me. I couldn’t make promises based on another person’s actions. When they asked me simple questions like: “Will both you and dad be here for my birthday party?” or “Will dad be coming to visit this weekend?” I told them things like, “I don’t know.” OR “That’s a discussion I need to have with your dad.” However, ometimes, the truth isn’t what the child wants to hear, but it’s important that we are honest and realistic. In my case, when my husband and I separated, I knew that we wouldn’t get back together. When my kids asked me if we could at least date or try again, I would hold them close and say, “I don’t think so, Sweetheart. I know you would like that to happen, but Mommy and Daddy just can’t live together anymore.”
BE POSITIVE:
I wrote “Be Positive” in all caps because I think it is the most important part of this article. No matter how bad the marriage was, never badmouth your ex. It’s hard sometimes. I know there were a lot of times when I wanted to point out to my children what a bad person I thought he was so that they would understand why I chose to leave their dad, but I knew that this wasn’t healthy. Whatever the reason for the split, do NOT say negative things about your children’s parent. This will never end well.
The kids are having a hard enough time dealing with the separation and upcoming divorce. They are the ones who are stuck in the middle. They love both parents. No matter how awful your ex was and is, the kids will still love him. Children are wonderful for being forgiving. They forgive parents for being human and making mistakes. Children even forgive parents for being neglectful and abusive. So, even if your ex-spouse was abusive, do NOT remind the children of that. Telling them negative things about their parent will drive a wedge between you and them. It will also cause more hurt for the children.
It’s hard to stay positive about an ex-spouse. There were times when I wanted to tell my children how difficult and awful their dad was. Most of the time, I managed to bite my tongue. When I wanted to vent, I called my best friend or wrote in my journal. Sometimes, though, I admit I would say something negative about their dad. I tried to go back and apologize to my kids later for what I said. (If any of my kids are reading this, I apologize if I didn’t apologize. J)
When I told my children we were getting a divorce, I didn’t lay blame on either one of us. I said, “You know that Mommy and Daddy have been fighting a lot, right?” Of course, they knew that. They were present for all of the arguments. Children aren’t stupid. They know what is going on. Then I told them: “Mommy and Daddy just can’t seem to be happy married. We fight too much. That’s not a good way to be, so we are going to get a divorce. We wanted to work things out, but we are just too unhappy.” The kids were sad. They cried, but in the end, they understood.
I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to never, ever badmouth your children’s parent. He might say negative things about you, but that doesn’t give you permission to say rude things about him—even if they are true. Your kids are very smart. They will figure out very quickly what the truth is. We don’t need to tell them. That being said, it is okay to answer questions honestly. If the child says, “Did Dad ever hit you?” It’s okay to say, “Yes, he did.” And then be done with it. It doesn’t need to be a long drawn out explanation. There is no need to try to paint yourself in a good light. Your children will see your actions, and they will know. In the end, everyone will be happier if everything is kept on a positive note.
Finally:
If possible, encourage contact between the children and their other parent. You may not want to do this, but it is actually healthier and better for the children if they can have contact with their parent. Let them make phone calls. Let them visit. The only time to prevent this, of course, is in cases of abuse, and then you want to protect your children. In those cases, if the children ask, just tell them that you need to keep them safe, so they won’t be able to see Dad until they are older. You don’t need to add a lot of detail. Try to be as positive as possible.
Conclusion:
I hope these ideas help if you are ever faced with separation and/or divorce. I can honestly say that my divorce was the toughest thing I have ever had to go through so far in this life. I was blessed to have close friends and family who helped me through it. I hope that if you have to go through this you are as lucky as I was. If you aren’t, try to find a support group of some sort, even if it is an online community. Working Moms Connection is a great place to start. I don’t advocate divorce, but sometimes it is necessary and needed. If you are ever in this position, I wish you the best.