Just Listen

By Kimberly Hicken

The Background:

I remember the situation like it happened yesterday. My front room was a disaster because my son and his friends had basically destroyed it the night before playing video games and eating snacks. I asked my son to clean it up. Like most teenage boys, he promised he would and promptly forgot to do it. The next morning, the living room was still a mess. The worst part was that I was expecting company that evening. I told my son that he absolutely had to clean up the front room as soon as he got home from school. He promised me he would. I told him not to forget. He said that he would remember because the empty chip bags on the couch would remind him. He promised again that he would clean the living room when he got home.

What Actually Happened:

When I got home from work, I stepped into the front room expecting to see things looking at least somewhat orderly. Instead, I entered the same chaotic mess I had left. My son got home an hour earlier than I did, so I knew that he’d had plenty of time to get things cleaned up. In the background, I could hear the sound of video games.

I marched to his room and opened the door. He was sitting on his bed playing a video game. I didn’t stop to think. I immediately started yelling. “Why are you playing video games? You promised you would clean up the living room! You’re the one who made the mess! I’m expecting company!”

He looked up and said, “Mom, I’ll do it just as soon as I’m finished with this game. Your company won’t be here for a couple more hours.”

I should have given him credit for not yelling back, but I didn’t. Instead I yelled more. “Why didn’t you do it? Why didn’t you clean it like you promised?”

And as often happens when we start yelling, I didn’t listen to his reasons. To me, he was just making excuses. I was angry and I wanted him to know it. And then I did the unthinkable. I committed the unpardonable sin. I turned off his X-Box. You never turn off a video game console, especially if they are playing Live. (I’m not a gamer, but I’ve been told by my kids and my students that this is the unforgiveable sin. Never, ever do this. This will create more problems than it will ever solve.)

My son immediately jumped up and started yelling back. I don’t even know what he said. All I remember is that he was even angrier than I was. Now we were both yelling. It wasn’t a pretty sight. Finally, one of us decided to be mature and end the argument. That would be my son. He stormed out of the house. It’s hard to fight when you’re not together.

And I was left with unhappy feelings and a messy front room.

Lesson Learned:

Later, after I had calmed down, I texted my son. I told him that I loved him and asked him to come home so that we could talk. He texted back to say he was having dinner at a friend’s house and he would be home after that.

We didn’t get a chance to discuss the situation until later that evening after my company had gone home. When we finally did, I was able to proceed calmly and keep my cool. I told him that I was stressed about having company come, and when I discovered that he had forgotten to clean the front room, it upset me and that’s why I started yelling.

And that’s when I learned his side of the story. He hadn’t forgotten to clean at all. He’d had a rough day at school. It had been one of those days when everything that could go wrong had gone wrong. It had culminated with the principal calling him into the office and yelling at him for something he didn’t do. The principal later discovered that he had mixed up my son with another student, but didn’t bother to apologize to my son.

When my son got home, he felt flustered and unhappy. The disaster in the living room seemed insurmountable. He decided that he needed to just unwind a little before tackling the mess in the living room. He knew that he had time before the company arrived, so he decided to play one quick game on his X-Box. He didn’t think I would mind as long as the job got done. You can imagine how horrible I felt. When I have a bad day, my way to unwind is to either read a chapter in a book or watch a quick show on Netflix. Why should my son be any different? I regretted my actions.

Just Listen:

Both my children and my students have told me that one of their biggest complaints about adults is that they don’t listen to kids. My daughter put it quite succinctly. She said, “Adults just give us the consequences without taking the time to listen to our side of it. We might still need to be punished, but at least we would feel like it was fair because we got to tell our side of it.”

She’s right, of course. How hard is it to listen to the child’s side before we give out consequences? If my son comes home late from a friend’s house, the conversation can go one of two ways.

If I refuse to listen, it looks something like this:

Me: You’re a half hour late. You’re grounded this weekend.

Son: But, Mom, let me tell you why I’m late.

Me: I don’t care why you’re late. You’re grounded.

Son: But Mom!

Me: Stop arguing.

Son: (yelling) That’s not fair! You never listen to me!

Me: (yelling in return) Stop being so mouthy! Go to your room!

Son stomps off grumbling. I angrily go to bed and neither of us get any sleep.

A conversation where I listen might go something like this:

Me: You’re a half hour late. What’s the deal?

Son: I’m sorry. We were watching a movie and it went overtime.

Me: You should have called or texted. I was worried.

Son: Sorry. I was into the movie and I forgot.

Me. Well, I wish you would have remembered so I wouldn’t have worried. Was it a good movie?

Son: Yeah! It was awesome.

Me: I’m glad you enjoyed it. Unfortunately, you know the rule about being late. You’re grounded this weekend.

Son: That’s not fair. I lost track of time.

Me: I know it doesn’t seem fair, but you knew the rule. I’m headed up to bed now. I love you. I’m glad you’re home safe.

Does It Really Work?

This second scenario might seem unrealistic, but I guarantee you that it really works. I’ve used it with all 8 of my own kids and with the students I teach. If I don’t yell, if I remind them of the rule, and if I listen to their side of the story, in the end they are more accepting of the consequences. They might complain a little. In fact, they probably will complain, but in the end they will accept the outcome.

Sometimes listening will surprise us. One night my son was over an hour late coming home. Obviously, I was worried sick. He had a habit of going to a friend’s house after work and forgetting to tell me. I had a habit of taking the car away when he did that. I was gearing myself up for taking the car away again when he finally walked through the door. I asked him why he was so late. In this instance he actually had a good excuse.

He had come upon someone who had a flat tire, but no tools to fix it with. My son had stopped to change the tire, but the people had pulled over on a soft shoulder and changing the tire took a long time because they had a hard time getting the jack to grip. They finally ended up pushing the car to a better location. The area where the car had the flat was also an area where there is no cell service which meant the family in the car couldn’t call for help, and my son couldn’t call me to tell me what was going on.

If I had immediately given consequences or started yelling without listening, we would have ended up having a big argument. We would have said things we didn’t mean, and the peace in our home would have been destroyed. Instead I was able to compliment my son for helping someone else out. Later in the week, when the mom of the family saw me in the store, she told me how wonderful my son had been. That was just like putting icing on the cake. It’s always nice when someone else compliments our kids.

Totally Worth It:

Obviously, I haven’t always been a listener and even now, I sometimes forget to listen. The outcome is never as good. I think about what I want in my own life. If I’m late for work, do I want the boss to yell at me? Cut my pay? Threaten my job? Or do I want him to listen to me? Of course I do. I want him to hear that the reason I’m late is because my daughter started throwing up just as I was walking out the door and I was cleaning up the mess she made in the hallway.

When it comes right down to it, we all want to be heard. We want to be listened to. I don’t think it’s too much to give the same respect to our kids that we want to have from others. If I could do my parenting all over again with the knowledge that I have now, I would make more of an effort to just listen, to hear the reasons, to try to understand. It doesn’t hurt me, but it makes all the difference in the sort of relationships I have with my children.