Relating to Teenagers

By Kimberly Hicken

            When my son Jacob started rebelling against the rules, I was beside myself with worry. He was staying out late (or all night), hanging with the wrong group of friends, refusing to do his chores, smoking cigarettes, and I was pretty sure he was drinking also. I did everything I could think of to try to rein him in. I tried threats, grounding, taking away privileges, yelling, ranting, raving, crying, bribing, threatening again, and so forth. As you can probably guess, nothing worked. I probably would have even tried spanking him, but you don’t spank a 16-year-old, six-foot-tall boy. I was at my wits’ end.

The Sad Reality About Kids:

            I soon discovered a very sad reality about our kids, not just my kids, but all kids. They have minds of their own. They have the right to choose their own actions. They will make their own decisions, good or bad. The best we can do is encourage and guide and hope for the best. Somewhere along the line, our kids grow up enough that they no longer do everything we say. Yes, we can give them consequences, but as I learned with Jacob, sometimes the consequences don’t matter to them.

            When I grounded him, he left anyway. When I took away privileges, he didn’t care. (Why should he? He wasn’t home enough to care that he’d lost his video games.) When I took away his phone, I only punished myself. Now I couldn’t even call him to make sure he was still alive. It was a hard lesson for me to accept that when it came right down to it, Jacob would do what he wanted, and I couldn’t stop him.

The Solution:

            I remember the night I found the solution to my problem. I had no idea where Jacob was. It was 2:00 in the morning. I was praying for his safety and to know what to do. You may chalk what happened next up to mere coincidence, or if you believe in God or a Higher Power as I do, you will believe it’s an answer to my prayer. All I know is that I found my solution as I ended my prayer.

            The thought came to me that I needed to stop yelling, threatening, bribing, punishing, crying, and yelling some more. Instead, I needed to work on my relationship with my son. It was an eye-opening experience as I suddenly realized that maybe I was part of the problem as well. My good intentions had pushed Jacob further away, rather than keep him home. Still seeking answers, I remembered a parenting book that I had bought years ago. I went and pulled it off the shelf. I flipped open to the section on teenagers. The chapter I opened up to stated very clearly and in no uncertain terms that parents needed to work on having a good relationship with their teenagers. That was enough for me. I was willing to try. After all, nothing else had worked.

Implementing:

            Implementing my plan of getting a closer relationship with Jacob was easier than I thought it would be. The next morning when he came home, I was in the kitchen doing dishes. He stepped into the kitchen with a sheepish look on his face. I’m sure he was bracing himself for me to start yelling. Instead, I said, “Oh, I’m glad you’re home. I was worried about you when you didn’t answer your phone last night. Are you hungry? I can fix you some eggs.”

            The surprise on his face only lasted for a second. It was quickly replaced with one of remorse. He told me that his phone wasn’t working last night. Neither he nor his friends had service where they were at. He took me up on my offer for breakfast. I cooked for him and then we chatted while he ate. I was amazed at how good things felt when I wasn’t yelling and trying to force him to do what I wanted.

            After that, I tried to spend time with him whenever I could. We would talk about funny things that happened at work and school, things that we found annoying, what we would do if we were suddenly rich, and anything else that came up. I told him that he could bring his friends over to hang out if he wanted, that he didn’t always have to go over there. Then I chuckled and said, “But no drugs or alcohol! That stash is all for me!” He laughed, but I’d made my point. He knew that his friends were welcome, but that drugs and alcohol were not.

            I bought grated cheese and tortillas for quesadillas. I brought home a case of ramen noodles. I made sure we had bread, peanut butter, and jelly. I even bought a large box of microwave popcorn. I’d heard once that if you have snacks at your house, the teenagers will come. The advice proved correct. Before long, Jacob and his friends were hanging out at our house all the time, eating my food, and playing video games.

            I welcomed the kids with open arms. When a new friend showed up, I told them the house rules: “If you’re hungry, get something to eat. I don’t cook, but we have plenty of food to eat, so help yourself.” Sometimes, I would go hang out with the boys and watch them play their games. They would joke around with me, and I would tease them back. I never stuck around longer than 15 minutes or so, just enough to get to know the kids, but not enough to make things awkward.

            I learned that I had misjudged Jacob’s friends. They weren’t the “wrong” crowd after all. They listened to loud music, had piercings, and wore questionable t-shirts, but apparently you can’t judge a person by their looks. Two of the boys were active in their churches. Most of them were getting good grades in school and were planning on attending college after graduation. They looked like a rough crowd, they swore like sailors when I wasn’t around, and a couple of them smoked cigarettes outside away from the house, but they were overall good kids.

            I continued to work on my relationship with Jacob. I asked him for advice and for help with things. I listened to him. I spent time with him. I joked with him. I helped him with his homework and his chores. Mostly, though, I just listened. I let him talk. I didn’t judge. I didn’t comment. I didn’t tell him what he was doing wrong, that his thinking was flawed, or that he needed to do things differently. A friend told me once that with teenagers, you can’t ever let them see you react. You just listen, and that’s what I did. I listened.

The Outcome:

            I was truly shocked at how quickly our relationship repaired itself when I stopped yelling and stopped being so judgmental. As we got closer, I discovered that Jacob respected my opinion more and more. He would tell me about things that stressed him, and I would just listen. I wouldn’t offer any advice because sometimes he didn’t want advice. Sometimes he just wanted to vent. However, other times he would say, “What do you think I should do?” And then I could tell him. I tried to offer lots of different options, rather than just one option so that in the end the choice would be his.

            Sometimes he would tell me about things he was doing that I didn’t want him to do. I’d already learned the hard way that there was no way I could put my foot down and tell him he couldn’t do it. He would do what he wanted. Instead, with this newfound closeness in our relationship, I was able to say, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” or “I wish you wouldn’t do that.” And because we were close, he would listen to my reasons why, and if they were valid reasons, he would change his plans. Otherwise, he would do his best to allay my fears.

            Our home became a place of peace and a place of refuge. As Jacob’s younger siblings have entered their teenage years, I have worked hard to build that close relationship with them. So far, it has paid off. They haven’t been perfect, but at least we have had communication.

I wish I could say that this is a foolproof system, that if your child is on drugs that he will quit; that if he is involved in gangs, he’ll get out. I wish I could promise you that, but I can’t. Jacob was smoking cigarettes at the time, and he continued to smoke after high school and throughout his stint in the army. It has always troubled me because I am something of a health fanatic, and I hate to think of what this is doing to his health. As parents we worry about our kids. We don’t want them to die, to have poor health, to get arrested, to be kicked out of school, or to face unemployment. We want the best for them, but sadly, we can’t promise them that. Even if they did everything we told them to do, they would still face trials. That’s the sad reality of life. However, I do know that building a strong relationship with your child will work miracles in a way that yelling, threatening, punishing, and judging never will. You will never regret having a good relationship with your child.

The Most Important Thing:

            At every crossroads, I tell my children I love them. Saying I love you may not come easily in some families, but I’m a believer that it needs to be said. My mom had a friend who was a mortician. He told her once that the biggest regret he heard people express was that they never said I love you to their loved one. I don’t want to be that person.

            When I drop my kids off at school or an activity, whenever we hang up the phone, whenever I’m headed out the door or they are, I always say, “I love you.” They usually say it back. It has become second nature to me. I feel that no matter what my kids are doing, whether I agree with their actions are not, they need to know that at the end of the day, I love them. I always have, and I always will. That’s one thing they can always count on.