How Building Mental Toughness Can Help Working Moms.

By: Jackie Ybarra

How to build mental toughness doesn’t seem like a topic I should be writing about to an audience of mothers. After all, it’s mothers who feel the power and pain of childbirth, often teetering the line between life and death. It’s mothers who give so much of their physical and mental self to their children and households, and add a full-time job into the mix, well it’s hard to preach that it is mothers who could improve on mental toughness. We love our involved-dads of the world, but even studies have shown women do bear the brunt of the mental load. Susan Walzer, a sociologist at Skidmore College, published a research article in 1996 called, “Thinking About the Baby.” Walzer interviewed 25 couples who were all new parents. In it, she reaffirms the fact that women do tend to carry more of the mental load in parenthood. Something to consider the next time your partner questions that third class of wine, or three-hour hot bath.

However, strengthening mental toughness can be just as important as physical toughness. Mothers need to be able to carry 10 bags of groceries on one arm, with a baby on their hip, as well as practice control and perspective when life is pulling us under. Mother’s are the masters of the balancing act, respectively. 

Here are four practices to build mental toughness:

The Practice: Detachment

I believe detachment is the end state of mental toughness. The ability to not take everything personally and to let go of the need to control all the circumstances. This is one of those practices that takes years for some to perfect, but when we learn to stop asking ourselves “Why me?” and focus on what we can control (i.e. how we react to a situation) the art of it becomes increasingly refined. In her article, “Practicing the Subtle Art of Detachment,” Shreya Delela explains what detachment means and how to practice it. She says, “Oxymoronic though it may sound, it’s said that you can achieve the greatest heights only through detaching yourself from the things that matter to you to a certain extent and by taking a step back.” Though practicing detachment can be helpful, it isn’t always necessary, it’s up to the individual to decide when and where that belongs. By simply having the ability to practice detachment when you need it, is a step in the right direction.

The Practice: Preparation for challenges

The most essential tool in preparing for challenges are resources. As a new mom, I had trouble asking for help, but I quickly learned how important it was to call on my tribe. If there is anything that will make you realize you don’t know as much as you think you do, about yourself, your plans and the world, it’s becoming a parent. With that, preparing for challenges and using your resources are crucial in building mental toughness. First, eliminate the fear of facing a challenge. Personal and professional resources can be found in many different places. If you prefer books as a resource, here is a helpful list of books to check out. If you prefer podcasts, click here. Prefer your phone, there is an app for that. The web browser you’re on now, plenty of those too! Of course, as most know, Facebook has ample supply of specific mom groups to join if a community of like-minded women is what you’re looking for.

The Practice: Positivity

The power of positivity has been studied again and again. All with overwhelmingly the same result, practicing positivity works. Not only does it work in building mental toughness, but our health as well. The Positivity Solution’s website discusses mental toughness and how positivity impacts that. Shola, the sites founder says, “…You either control your mind, or it controls you. It might sound like an overstatement to say this, but I believe that the previous sentence holds the secret to life. Yes, seriously. As always, the biggest and most important battle that we’ll ever fight on this earth is the battle between our two ears. Consistently control your mind and you’ll win. Allow undisciplined thoughts to control your behaviors and actions, and you’ll lose. Repeatedly.” A simple way to begin practicing positivity is to change the way you speak. Switching from negative words and phrases to positive ones, you rewire your brain to think more happily. If anywhere, start by being more kind to the way you internally speak to yourself, all the outwardly ways you speak will quickly follow.

The Practice: Good old-fashioned grit

This is my favorite practice. Good old-fashioned grit is the foundation of mental toughness. It’s where we learn endurance and tenacity. In many ways, grit is basically mental toughness itself but more of the road to getting there. The days you didn’t give up, the projects you didn’t quit, the times you showed up repeatedly. It is grit that gets you to mental toughness. Interestingly enough, an article written on mental toughness by James Clear, states “Research is starting to reveal that your mental toughness — or “grit” as they call it — plays a more important role than anything else for achieving your goals in health, business, and life. That’s good news because you can’t do much about the genes you were born with, but you can do a lot to develop mental toughness.” He goes on to discuss a study done by a researcher for the University of Pennsylvania and West Point Cadets in their first year. Those that made it through the hardest challenges were not necessarily the smartest or strongest, but those whose passion and perseverance to achieve their goals went unmatched.

Working moms are met with constant challenges, as all mothers are, on a day to day basis. Practicing mental toughness is another tool in our toolbox to meet those challenges with more fire power and to teach our children how they can also build this skillset. Winston Churchill, who is a person I would consider of strong mental toughness, said “Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.” I believe he had it right.