Lean into Mom Guilt so You Can Relieve it
By Joy Acaso
Every year our son’s school puts together a production before they go on winter break. He’s been at that preschool for three years so this wasn’t new to me. I already know when it’s around the corner and what to expect. But last year hit me.
I lost track of my schedule. As a result, our son showed up as the only one wearing an orange plaid shirt when he should have been wearing white! In a stage of 30 students, he stood out in what is now the funniest thing I’ve done to date. I did the nervous laugh and then worried about what he would do if he noticed.
That’s the most interesting part. He didn’t even realize any of it. He sang his heart out. Our son had a great time. The orange shirt was never mentioned again. But I was aware and too observant for my own good.
This seemingly little incident could have easily crushed my spirit. In the past, my immediate reaction would have been very different. The thoughts and feelings would have turned into guilt. It would have escalated into a ruined evening and so forth and so on. That evening while a few thoughts did come to mind, I was able to just let them run through but not take over me.
How do we even deal with mom guilt? Do we ignore it? Should we express it? Do we need to rally our community?
I’ve been serving families for over 20 years as a Parenting Coach and Psychotherapist. Mom guilt always creeps in. It is all too real but it shouldn’t be the norm. If handled in unhealthy ways, guilt can be debilitating.
Mom guilt stems from many factors. It’s not just about one thing:
Missing children’s milestones.
Not being able to attend school events.
Incomplete tasks at work or at home.
Unfinished lists of things to do.
Feeling bad for the way we say things.
Not meeting personal standards.
Forgetting things and events.
Taking vacations or not taking vacations.
Having fun or not having fun.
Being a good mom or not being a good mom.
The list can go on and on and on. I have come to realize that it is in our human nature to find something that we feel guilty about. Forgetting to communicate with our son’s teacher was an oversight on my part. He really needed that white shirt as a shepherd boy. It took many mistakes for me to understand that my first reaction doesn’t always have to be guilt.
Emotions can be scary if you don’t have the tools to control them. Now is as good as any learn techniques for facing those intense moments. You can’t always run away from them and you don’t have to.
Rather than blaming yourself for your circumstances, try these:
Expose the guilt.
Label that which bothers you, “I feel guilty because I forgot to put it in my calendar.” Let it out in words. It’s ok not to sugar coat it. Guilt is a feeling and is valid. Truthfully, you can’t get rid of it right away. In a non-judgmental way, listen to what’s happening within yourself as you’re going through the feeling.
Sort out the facts.
You have to be intentional in sorting out your feelings and thoughts. Our brain can trick us into accepting the first thing that pops up as the hard core truth. Often times all you need is a moment of pause, “I feel bad for forgetting to talk to his teacher. But that was not on purpose. It was an honest mistake.”
Respond differently.
Old habits can be difficult to break but not impossible. If you’ve been accustomed to isolate yourself when you feel guilty, how about calling a friend instead? Use humor in place of the negative self-talk. If it doesn’t work the first time, give it another try next time.
Remind yourself what you’re after.
You have to advocate for what you want to pursue in life. No one else knows what you desire more than you. Your goals are different so you can’t compare someone else’s lifestyle with yours. Others can be a source of inspiration but don’t let that discourage you.
Moms have a way of putting themselves as low as possible. I see that it has become a universal language to describe this journey. Being a working mom is not an easy feat. You’re juggling many roles. With those roles are priorities.
The next time guilt shows up, don’t get on the struggle bus. Show yourself the detour now that you already know such a path exists: Expose the guilt. Sort out the facts. Respond differently. Remind yourself what you’re after.
BIO: Joy Acaso is a full-time working wife and mom. She has been serving families for over 20 years as a Parenting Coach and Psychotherapist for women’s issues. Joy is on a mission to help working moms overcome the overwhelming so that they can pursue excellence in all things. When she’s not working, you’ll find her building community around coffee and intimate dinner gatherings.
Website: Survival Guide for Working Moms: www.joyacaso.com/survival-guide-for-working-moms